Since I found out I was pregnant, I've been going though so many emotions in a short period of time. I'm excited that I'm pregnant. I'm scared that I'm pregnant. I'm afraid that if my managers find out they'll fire me. I'm angry that my child's father can't make up his mind. I'm sad because I want my child's father to be invoved, but I know he won't be. I'm angry because of the circumstances, so I keep pushing him away from me.
I'm full of so many emotions that I cannot seem to control. My life is changing so fast.
Last night I cut him off. I apologized for being an inconvenience in his life and his girlfriend's life. For ruining his life, his girlfriend's life, and our baby's life [this is also the first time I refered to the baby as OURS and not MINE], and then I told him I wasn't going to text or call anymore. He replied back, but I didn't really read what he wrote.
My child shouldn't be a second choice in his life. He or she should be first. So he can have his life and forget we exist because I'm not going to put MY child through that. I don't want a half-ass parent. If he isn't in this full time and this is his flesh and blood, I don't want him in either of our lives.
I'm full of so many emotions that I cannot seem to control. My life is changing so fast.
- I'm afraid that when my Grandmom finds out, she'll kick me out. That means I'll be homeless and pregnant, so I'm looking at places to live, but everything is so expensive.
- I've been looking into adoption. I talked to a social worker about it. I talked to my child's father about signing away his rights to our baby and he agreed. The better than the alternative. An abortion. Which is what he originally believed was the best idea.
- But at the same time, I don't want anyone raising my baby but me. I might not be the best parent in the world, but I'm determined to make this work. I don't care if I have to work two or three jobs. I don't care if I'd have to go hungry so my child could eat. I don't care if I'd have to go without shoes or clothes so my child could have what he or she needs. I would do it. I'm willing to give up my hopes and dreams and trade them in for dirty diapers and spoiled milk. I'm willing to give selflessly give my life to another person for the next 18 years and beyond. That's something I can guarantee that my child's father would never do. Sacrifice his current life and trade it in to be a father. Maybe oneday, but not this day.
Last night I cut him off. I apologized for being an inconvenience in his life and his girlfriend's life. For ruining his life, his girlfriend's life, and our baby's life [this is also the first time I refered to the baby as OURS and not MINE], and then I told him I wasn't going to text or call anymore. He replied back, but I didn't really read what he wrote.
My child shouldn't be a second choice in his life. He or she should be first. So he can have his life and forget we exist because I'm not going to put MY child through that. I don't want a half-ass parent. If he isn't in this full time and this is his flesh and blood, I don't want him in either of our lives.
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