Lately, I don't know what to do or think. There have been so many changes in my life in such a short period of time, I don't know how to cope with them all.
Brian W. and I are barely speaking. I haven't talked to him on the phone in probably two months now. I can't even remember what he sounds like anymore. It makes me so sad to see what we've become, when just last year around this time we were celebrating our anniversary. I am willing to work everything out between us, but I'm finished apologizing to him. I'm not going to say I'm sorry anymore. I'm tired of reading hs statuses on Facebook and knowing that he's talking about how much I've screwed up his life without using my name. It's childish and I've done all I can to make ammends for cheating on him. If this is the way things will be between us, I can't be involved with him anymore.
Things have been touch and go between Brian M. and I also. His whole attitude has changed towards me though. He's become an amazing friend to me and I'm trying my best to be one to him too. He isn't as verbal as I'd like, but his actions are exactly what I need. He shows he cares even if he doesn't tell me he does. It doesn't matter that we're only friends. That's all I ever wanted from him. Nothing more than friendship but, now we're bringing a child into the world. At first he didn't want to believe he was the father, neither did I actually. We were only together one time.
But over the weeks he's become more caring towards me and the pregnancy. I've caught him staring at my belly and he's even poked at it a few times, very curiously. Lately though, he's been more bold. I was helping set up for a holiday party at work on Wednesday and my friends called him into the room to help me off the floor. I've been having trouble getting up because of my back pain. He stopped playing video games, came into the room and smiled at me while I was crouching down next to a table. Then he came up behind me and I though he was going to help me right up, but he crouched down behind me, placed his hand on my belly and paused. It felt like he was hugging the baby and I. It was a beautiful moment. Moments like these get me through the day. Then before anyone in the room noticed, he helped me up. I turned around caught his gazed. I wanted to kiss him so badly. I've wanted to for weeks now. But as close as our faces were neither of us did.
We've stared into each others eyes so many times. Our faces have been so close I could feel is breath on my lips. I've been in his arms and had my hand wrapped in his. And felt his words brush against my heart, causing it to skip a beat...I don't need these emotions right now. I can't have them. We can't feel them.
I already messed by being with him that one time. I can't make that mistake again. He still has a girlfriend and I want them to stay together. He and I have to ignor what's between us even if it hurts. And it hurts me to the core. There are no words for this pain, for it's deeper than any physical ailment.
It's amazing how my heart can defeat the seemingly perfect logic of my mind with a mere emotion that cannot be explained through any intelligent words.
I didn't mean to fall in love.
Brian W. and I are barely speaking. I haven't talked to him on the phone in probably two months now. I can't even remember what he sounds like anymore. It makes me so sad to see what we've become, when just last year around this time we were celebrating our anniversary. I am willing to work everything out between us, but I'm finished apologizing to him. I'm not going to say I'm sorry anymore. I'm tired of reading hs statuses on Facebook and knowing that he's talking about how much I've screwed up his life without using my name. It's childish and I've done all I can to make ammends for cheating on him. If this is the way things will be between us, I can't be involved with him anymore.
Things have been touch and go between Brian M. and I also. His whole attitude has changed towards me though. He's become an amazing friend to me and I'm trying my best to be one to him too. He isn't as verbal as I'd like, but his actions are exactly what I need. He shows he cares even if he doesn't tell me he does. It doesn't matter that we're only friends. That's all I ever wanted from him. Nothing more than friendship but, now we're bringing a child into the world. At first he didn't want to believe he was the father, neither did I actually. We were only together one time.
But over the weeks he's become more caring towards me and the pregnancy. I've caught him staring at my belly and he's even poked at it a few times, very curiously. Lately though, he's been more bold. I was helping set up for a holiday party at work on Wednesday and my friends called him into the room to help me off the floor. I've been having trouble getting up because of my back pain. He stopped playing video games, came into the room and smiled at me while I was crouching down next to a table. Then he came up behind me and I though he was going to help me right up, but he crouched down behind me, placed his hand on my belly and paused. It felt like he was hugging the baby and I. It was a beautiful moment. Moments like these get me through the day. Then before anyone in the room noticed, he helped me up. I turned around caught his gazed. I wanted to kiss him so badly. I've wanted to for weeks now. But as close as our faces were neither of us did.
We've stared into each others eyes so many times. Our faces have been so close I could feel is breath on my lips. I've been in his arms and had my hand wrapped in his. And felt his words brush against my heart, causing it to skip a beat...I don't need these emotions right now. I can't have them. We can't feel them.
I already messed by being with him that one time. I can't make that mistake again. He still has a girlfriend and I want them to stay together. He and I have to ignor what's between us even if it hurts. And it hurts me to the core. There are no words for this pain, for it's deeper than any physical ailment.
It's amazing how my heart can defeat the seemingly perfect logic of my mind with a mere emotion that cannot be explained through any intelligent words.
I didn't mean to fall in love.
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