I don't understand

Written May 26, 2010 — three months before Sarah and Ashleigh's due date, while in a relationship forged under emotional pressure, still grieving their loss, and longing for the man she couldn’t let go of.

This is the quietest form of collapse: trying to love someone new while still buried in the grave of a love that never truly ended. Domonique was mourning her babies and the future they symbolized, and feeling unworthy of the love she was supposed to want—because it wasn’t Brian’s. And it wasn’t theirs.

This wasn’t weakness. It was trauma breathing through paper.

Lately, I find myself falling more and more for my boyfriend. He's a good man as far as I've seen. He treats me with respect and is a gentleman in almost every way. But, that isn't stopping me from thinking of someone else. I hate feeling this way about him and I want to let him go, but I'm having so much trouble doing that. It hurts to think about him because I'd have to think of my girls.

I just had to stop writing for a half hour because I couldn't stop crying. I feel so angry and cheated. I want my babies back. I want them in my arms and knowing this will never happen is making this day unbearable. I have been feeling like cutting for months now.

It's hard dealing with everything and not talking to anyone about it. It gets to the point that I don't feel like living much longer without them. I'm scared I'll never be able to have a successful pregnancy and that my time is running out. I feel damaged and useless.

I keep staring at this picture from when I was pregnant with my girls, and I keep asking what did I do wrong? Why did they die? I loved them so much and they were taken from me before I could say goodbye. I never wanted to say goodbye. I'm having such a hard time with losing them. I can't function anymore. The closer the due date becomes, the more angry and resentful I feel towards their deaths.

I'm scared that one day I might breakdown and not make it though, like I usually do.
Please. Someone help me.