Today is Father's Day and I'm feeling sad. I don't want to see my boyfriend because I'm not in the meood to be around people. I've miscarried before, but this time has hit me so hard. I hate that I feel jealous of everyone with children, even my boyfriend. I'm the only person I know that can say I've been pregnant and have no absolute proof of it. I hate that so much. I hate myself for it.
Today is not a happy day for me.
I find myself wondering if Brian is even thinking about the fact that he should be celebrating this day because his girls would be born in less than a month. I want to believe that he is as torn as I am, but with his actions and unreadable expressions, I doubt it deeply. He should be the person I'm telling all of this to; not my blog. I need him right now. I feel so helpless.
I promised myself I'd stay away from Brian and I haven't contacted him in a while. I decided for both of us that it was better if we didn't communicate anymore, but of course, I still find myself wanting to find his number and text or call, just because. I don't want to remain attached to him because I'm afraid that I may not let go and he'll become someone I think about almost everyday, even five years from now.
This love feels imcomplete and wrong morally, but I am still hanging on to that connecting we shared. Not the physical connection, or the the one by blood forced by Sarah and Ashleigh. I mean the emotional one. The emotions I felt when we first met. The same emotions he admitted to feeling at that moment as well. I still have them. Part of me thinks it's best they fade away, but the other part wants to keep them because it's the only proof I have that anything ever existed between us.
The end of the year is near. Less than two months left. And I'm preparing myself to let him go. He had a life before he stepped into mine. I'd like to believe he had a happy life - no drama, children, cheating. Nothing like what he's had with me. It hurts to say this. All of this, but as much as I love him, I wish him the best of luck with his girlfriend. I hope she never finds out about he and I. I want them to get married and start a family of their own. I want him to forget about everything that's happened this year or pretend he has. His girlfriend deserves his full attention and she won't have it as long as Brian and I are still friends.
I think sacrificing a friendship, the strongest connection I've ever had with anyone, is more than worth it if it's for the greater good. And I believe I'm doing the right thing. I've never been so sure about anything.
Today is not a happy day for me.
I find myself wondering if Brian is even thinking about the fact that he should be celebrating this day because his girls would be born in less than a month. I want to believe that he is as torn as I am, but with his actions and unreadable expressions, I doubt it deeply. He should be the person I'm telling all of this to; not my blog. I need him right now. I feel so helpless.
I promised myself I'd stay away from Brian and I haven't contacted him in a while. I decided for both of us that it was better if we didn't communicate anymore, but of course, I still find myself wanting to find his number and text or call, just because. I don't want to remain attached to him because I'm afraid that I may not let go and he'll become someone I think about almost everyday, even five years from now.
This love feels imcomplete and wrong morally, but I am still hanging on to that connecting we shared. Not the physical connection, or the the one by blood forced by Sarah and Ashleigh. I mean the emotional one. The emotions I felt when we first met. The same emotions he admitted to feeling at that moment as well. I still have them. Part of me thinks it's best they fade away, but the other part wants to keep them because it's the only proof I have that anything ever existed between us.
The end of the year is near. Less than two months left. And I'm preparing myself to let him go. He had a life before he stepped into mine. I'd like to believe he had a happy life - no drama, children, cheating. Nothing like what he's had with me. It hurts to say this. All of this, but as much as I love him, I wish him the best of luck with his girlfriend. I hope she never finds out about he and I. I want them to get married and start a family of their own. I want him to forget about everything that's happened this year or pretend he has. His girlfriend deserves his full attention and she won't have it as long as Brian and I are still friends.
I think sacrificing a friendship, the strongest connection I've ever had with anyone, is more than worth it if it's for the greater good. And I believe I'm doing the right thing. I've never been so sure about anything.
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