What is Love?

Lately I've been feeling confused. I'll explain why in sections:

Stacey

We dated off and on since January. At first I didn't want to date him. I had just gotten out of a relationship, had miscarried, and was emotionally confused, but I said "Yes" anyway when he ask me to be his girlfriend. I didn't put any effort into that relationship for a few months. Three maybe. I didn't think I wanted to be with anyone, but after everything, I didn't want to be alone.

After a few months of dating I began to involve myself in his world. I loved being with him at work. I slept over sometimes during the week and on weekends. I loved watching movies with him and the kids. I even comforted him when things in his life were unfavorable. Things were great until I realized that I wanted to be free. I felt smothered by him. We were together all the time.

We broke up once for a month or so. I felt relieved, but I also felt like I was behaving unfairly towards Stacey, so I gave in and we dated until about two months ago. I wanted to make that relationship work so badly because I cared about him. I tried my best to smooth things over with Brian so Stacey wouldn't be as jealous if he knew that we were only friends and I was trying to get over him. I put in so much effort. In all honestly, I thought I had actually gotten over Brian; I haven't though

In the end there was nothing I could do that would make my heart let go of Brian. So I decided to stop hurting Stacey by pretending that I could give him all my attention, when in the back of my mind, Brian was always there. I figured friendship would be our best chance to maintain a relationship at this point.

Theses days, I drag Stacey along to functions my friends throw. And he brings me to some as well. We jumped right into the relationship, barely knowing each other. Maybe one day he and I will be truly ready for a relationship. Until then, I want to get to know the Man I called "Boyfriend" for seven months.

Brian

As of the past few weeks, Brian and I have completely turned this friendship around. I finally settled (within myself) that we will never be together and that I would rather have him in my life as a friend, than not as anything at all. After coming to that realization, Brian and I have spent more time together, almost stress-free.

We've gone to South Street and Penn's Landing. Spent nights reminiscing about the past year and all we've gone through.Spoken candidly about our emotions. I held back though. Fallen asleep on the couch together and slept peacefully for a few hours. We've even given each other advice on our relationships, when we were in them. And a few weeks ago we had sex for the second time since we've known each other. I never thought that would happen again. I was shocked and still am.

I have fallen so deeply in love with him, I cannot explain how I feel anymore. My emotions are a mess. I just want to be with him. Not in a relationship, that's not a possibility. I just want to be around him. To have him hold me while we nap on the couch; to feel my face become hotter and turn red when he says something perverted or flirty; to smell his scent in his hoodie when I put it on. I just want him around. My mind is a jumbled mess when he is, but I love the way he makes me feel. I don't mind if I blush.

I'm guilty of helping him cheat on Ashley. More than once. I feel completely at fault for their break up after being in a relationship for five-years. I tried so hard to stay away. My morals were compromised. When he looked at me with "that look", I knew what he wanted from me. I knew I wanted it as well. I had for months. I felt guilt. I feel guilt. I'm feeling the tears well up in my eyes right now. I know what I did was wrong. Now they're broken up and I still don't know where I stand with Brian.

I feel so badly. I cried when he told me they were breaking up. I wanted he and Ashley to stay together. I want him to be happy and being with her made him happy. I wanted them to get married one day and have children. I wanted to see their happiness and know that  I could have that one day. But I also felt and still feel the need to punish myself for cheating in my previous relationship. Seeing them together would remind me of how much I hurt my ex-boyfriend, Brian because it would hurt me. Seeing them together would hurt me because I love Brian and believe that he could be the "one". I deserve to be hurt because of what I've done to Brian and Ashley, and my ex-boyfriend.